Welcome to the homepage of me, Stephen K. Hess (that's stephen h-e-double-sizzle, to my homies)
This page in no way represents my talents... I'm a programmer, not a web page designer
Get down, Jebus!
Mr. H. Christ
Member of US MENSA


LBC no longer stands for 'Long Beach, California'. The new accepted meaning of LBC is 'LeroyBrown.Com'. Pass it along.

Nocturnal Emissions by Stephen K. Hess
Okay, so last saturday night i'm at wal-mart (because i'm a loser) and i remembered that i needed to pick up a micro cassette recorder so i don't forget all the brilliant ideas and schemes about miscellaneous doings that pop into my head whilst driving. on sunday night i was sitting around trying to think of cool things to do with this thing when i realized that it has AVR (auto voice record) which commences recording when you start speaking. pretty nifty. i've been told by my thousands of girlfriends that i talk in my sleep but they never caught any of what i was saying (perhaps they were concentrating on other things). so rather than have them sit by my bedside and repeat to me what they heard when i wake, i've decided to start recording myself when i'm asleep. so, provided that i remember to setup the recorder at night, i, as a service to all my loyal leroybrown.com minions, will listen to the approximately five minutes of tape each and every morning, convert to .mp3 all the decipherable sounds that i make, no matter how lewd or embarrassing, and post them right here on my website. now each day, along with typing in leroybrown.com into your browser to drool over my superior intellect and incredible physique (actually the drool gets on your keyboard... stop that), you can download all the interesting sounds i made the previous night. to start you off, here's monday, august 13, 2001:
8/13/2001 8/23/2001
Ramble On or: when i took off the skirt and bought a porsche
Okay, it's official... i'm a porsche fanatic. i love this fucking car. if you can afford it and you're not a utilitarian like matt, buy one. i highly recommend the 911, but any porsche will do. in fact, go to Holt Motorsports, Inc. right now and peruse the inventory.

i recently bought a 1984 porsche 911 targa and it's pretty damn quick (6.2 seconds to 60, top speed of 146). now before i get two verses and three refrains of 'blah blah blah my mustang's faster, blah blah blah a corvette could beat your 911' from mulleted, meat heads from the american heartland... SCREW YOU. in 1984, a 911 got ALL ROWDY with your american "supercars" (and fiero's too). and a new 911 could run your new mustangs and corvettes off the road.

just the car
after running down some cheese

As I am now back in college and my salary has been reduced dramatically (ah, grad assistantships...), I sold the 911. Sad, yes, I know. Not to worry, my leroybrown.commies, I'll be getting another once I graduate.

No. We're out of dynamite anyway.
Steve Zissou, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
This is me shaking hands with some guy from Bristol Technologies after eating 30 Warheads. I held the company record for about a month until some guy in Germany managed 35. Bristol is currently suing the SHIT out of some company in Redmond, WA.

This site is undergoing a redesign... slowly..

    One-line Movie Reviews
  • Miracle -- "All I wanted to do was find a Russian guy and kick his ass!"
  • The Passion of the Christ -- "I hasn't hungry for days afterward!"

    Goals for summer '03
  • Become obsessed with iced tea (Results: As it turns out, I was already obsessed with iced tea)
  • Read everything Ayn Rand ever wrote (Results: I got thru her four novels. I'll read her other stuff after grad school is finished)
  • Learn to play the banjo like Snoop Dogg (Results: Apparently Snoop Dogg can't play the banjo, but I learned to play it anyhow)

    My brothers' wedding (as pictures trickle in I'll add links)
  • The Hirsts (parents of Julie, a bridesmaid, and frequent visitors of leroybrown.com) took this set of pictures
  • Some random pictures

    New stuff
  • Block pop-up's generated from flash files in Firefox
  • Having credit card problems? Click here
  • Woohoo! I just finished my Masters degree in Computer Science (with a 3.9, I might add). Now I can set fire to my Bachelors degree!
  • I've determined that I can only eat 11 apples in a four hour period
  • My resume (I realized I hate the term "curriculum vitae" so I replaced it)
  • Linus Torvalds bowls another 300!
  • Linus Torvalds wins the Super Bowl!
  • New CD of driving songs
  • It may unseasonably warm here in New Mexico but, damn, I miss the east coast. Seriously.
  • I just bought a Revere 8 Model 88 motion picture camera at an antique store in Albuquerque. Entirely mechanical, circa 1940. Tells you how many feet of film you've taken. If I take anything interesting, I'll post it.
  • The leroybrown.com faq (frequently asked questions)
  • What do mensans do for fun?
  • Finally got my picture in the Juniata alumni newsletter. Impressive, considering i didn't attend juniata.
  • Just moved to Socorro, New Mexico, to live with Matt and Jen, because, damn it, I just don't feel like getting another job right now. They're dating, I'm looking for a woman... preferably one that isn't a crack dealer. Matt is looking to buy a house.
  • I have an unhealthy obsession with Sarah Silverman

    Pictures of stuff I like (not necessarily what they're labeled)
  • Pictures of my brother's ex-fiance's pussy, which she freely gave to me in October of 1999. Their relationship ended shortly thereafter. Go on, click on it... you know you want to.
  • New Years Eve, 1997. We're all pretty drunk.
  • Party to celebrate Ryan's return from Belgium.
  • Us (matt, me, colin, ryan) blowing stuff up(mostly coke cans) at Juniata
  • Old school Red Lion, circa 1950
  • A burning, crucified pink panther
  • Some commentary added to Ocean City 2001 pictures. I couldn't think of anything funny to say so the dialogue is kinda lame.
  • Added pictures of a party that Allison had at the end of May. This is Allison. She looks great, I'm trying to avoid my hair.
  • Commentary added to the 1997 trip to Maine for free donuts
  • Commentary added to two weddings: Chad and Maja, and Jeff and Dawna
  • I finally started putting up pictures of Thailand, and with a decent interface compliments of my home-skillet dave feltenberger.

    People that genetics should've weeded out long ago
  • Bernard Shifman. a spammer who pissed off a spamee and is now threatening to sue the shit out of anyone and everyone. this is the shiznit!
  • This clown at Lockheed-Martin
  • * Jack Valenti, President of the MPAA
    Program(s) I've written
  • Evolution of genotypes in 2,973 bytes
  • Combination generating program, written in perl, and the same program, written in c++. I wrote this out of laziness for doing the jumbles in the newspaper. All output is sent to STDOUT so if you're running *nix, you can pipe it to ispell to get the word that's spelled correctly.

    Road trips of interest (for a total of 54,580 miles)
  • December, 1996 - Sheetz run to Romney, West Virginia (6 hours, 360 miles)
  • May, 1997 - Detroit, Michigan (36 hours, 1200 miles)
  • June, 1997 - New England (4 days, 1500 miles)
  • December, 1997 - Big Stone Gap, Virginia and the Gulf of Mexico (2 days, 2800 miles)
  • May, 1998 - Comedic Travel Log and pictures from Yellowstone National Park, Wyoming (4 days, 4600 miles)
  • September, 1998 - Syracuse University, New York, to brave a tornado (2 days, 600 miles)
  • December, 1998 - Key West, Florida (3.5 days, 2700 miles)
  • May, 1999 - New Orleans/Ocean Springs, Mississippi (5 days, 2520 miles)
  • November, 1999 - Belgium, England, France, Switzerland, Luxembourg, Germany, Austria (9 days, 2170 driving miles). pictures
  • April, 2000 - Charleston, South Carolina, and Bob Jones University (home to some crraaaazzzzyyyyy christians!) We learned the age-old lesson that three 6'2" guys in a 1983 VW Scirocco ain't comfortable (2.5 days, 1700 miles)
  • August, 2000 - Utah/Arizona (4 days, several flights, one beat up Toyota Corolla, with 1200 new, hard-earned miles)
  • December, 2000 into January, 2001 - France and Switzerland. Here are some pictures. Here's the log. Stayed in Paris mostly, but drove to Wengen, Switzerland, where i broke my thumb skiing (11 days, 930 miles)
  • May, 2001 - Nashville, TN. Visiting friends at Vanderbilt. DAMN, the women in nashville are phenomonally hot! Here's us at the Jack Daniel's distillery (i'm the guy in the back with the green hat on). (3 days, 1300 miles)
  • November, 2001 - Paris, France. A girl named Vikki, a baguette, and some big ass churches. Had Thanksgiving dinner at this flat on the Champs-Elysées. Log and pictures (no, i'm not sure what's up with the camera) (10,000+ miles)
  • December, 2001 - Bangkok/Chiang Mai/Phuket, Thailand. Much needed vacation for brian, john, and me. Two types of women in thailand: hookers, and women who want to get the hell out of thailand. Log forthcoming... (14 days, 21,000+ miles)
  • January, 2002 - Socorro, New Mexico. All the juniata peeps (official and not-so-official) and some other people. The pictures are here. Wal-mart fucked up the processing on some of the pictures.
  • November, 2002 - Grand Canyon, Arizona. Me, Matt, Jen, Kate, Liz, and Chris hiked the Grand Canyon down to the river and back. I'll post pictures eventually.
  • January, 2004 - Moscow and St. Petersburg, Russia. I just finished my Masters Degree so I figured the next logical step would be to take a trip to Russia. In January. FREAKIN' COLD. But Dave and I had a good time. Digital camera pictures are here, art scans are here. Travel log to follow shortly as soon as I'm done typing it in.
  • June, 2004 - Alsace, France (specifically Strasbourg and surrounding villages). Wedding for Michel and Christine in Bitschoffen, France. Excellent wedding! I'll be posting photos as soon as I get film developed. In France, tradition states that everyone going to the wedding meets at the brides parents house and walks to the church. Also, no wedding party besides the bridge and groom. The reception went on til 6am. I got really drunk.

    ma' homies
  • Kristy, a fellow roadtrippin' enthusiast who goes to exciting places like, uh, Tennessee. Is there any truth to Ryan Adams' song "Tennessee Sucks"? Find out by visiting their site! I've been to Tennessee and, I gotta tell ya, it ain't bad. I hear the state motto is: "Tennessee: At least we're not Delaware". Seriously though, Kristy and Beth go some cool places and write up their experiences on it all... and in a more timely fashion than I do!
  • Ryan's site. Graduated from Syracuse with an MA in International Relations, and needs a job so he, Matt, and I can go on more trips! Hire him!
  • Matt's site. Fellow roadtripper. Not much there.
  • Dave Feltenberger's site. The man knows Russian and will keep us from getting ripped off and out of bar fights in Siberia in January '04.
  • Mandi's site. More there than Matt's.
  • Dan Zak. Last of the Reston Four. Keeps talking 'bout buying an Audi TT. Has yet to do it.
  • Keith Necker's (Necka) site. Good friend of mine at Lockheed.
  • Dawna's web site, somehow keeping her school account long after graduation.
  • Anneke's site. Former fellow Breakaway employee
  • Jen's site. I now apparently own her hand after eating some extremely hot chile somewhere in New Mexico. Since Matt didn't have a dollar, he wagered her hand instead. also, New Mexico roommate and the only girl crazy enough to date Matt.
  • Chris Thomas, founder of the amish mafia and the only person I know that's cold in Miami.
  • Eric "the hitman" Koehler, roommate in Norristown, PA (the non-hood part). Dating a girl that is younger than his dad's cat (girl is 21, cat is 22).
  • The best damn swing dancer that I personally know (and one hell of a nice guy), Mark Wallerius (the site appears to be down for reasons unknown)
  • Okay, not an actual person (formerly, perhaps), but Boo Berry is the best damn mofo cereal on the planet. Only the coolest cereals turn your milk purple. Do not let General Mills kill Boo Berry! Down with Count Chocula and Frankenberry, those two-bit cereal whores! Buy Boo Berry! The revolution will NOT be televised!!!

* - denotes that I have condemned this person to hell, given that I am a minister

The Boo

Everything on this site unless otherwise noted is ©2002 by Stephen K. Hess