Linus Torvalds Wins 37th Consecutive Super Bowl!

Linus Torvalds, professional bad-ass

The infamous Torvalds "Fork Bomb" play

In a stunning show of athletic prowess not seen since Super Bowl XXXVI, Linus Torvalds has single-handedly defeated the Oakland Raiders leading himself to an unbelievable 37th victory in as many consecutive Super Bowls.

Said Torvalds, "I'm really not in shock, this is getting pretty routine. And frankly, I'm getting tired of Disneyland. Seriously, I can only wear so many of these stupid rings." This years victory speech is quite a departure from Torvald's three previous post-game diatribes in which he lashed out at such noted figures as Richard Stallman, the "pathetic clowns" [in charge of] the Saint Louis Rams, and "the a**holes that run Cracker Barrel, the bunch of bastards who portray themselves to be a mom-and-pop shop but in reality are a cold, heartless corporation." While not directing a tirade at anyone in particular after this year's game, Torvalds concluded his speech by saying, "stupid [slashdot] trolls... <incoherent mumbling> ... [expletive deleted] them and the horse they rode in on... <incoherent mumbling> ...", then heading toward the locker room.

For the 37th year in a row, Torvalds soundly defeated his opponents with his impenetrable "fork bomb" passing play. This mystifying play consists of Torvalds hiking the ball to himself, throwing a fast Hail Mary (also known as a bomb), then creating any number of exact duplicates of himself in the endzone just in time to catch the ball. Even though this is the only play in Torvalds camp playbook, opponents are powerless against it since they are unable to predict where exactly Torvalds will appear and, when he does, to get there in time.

Despite the sour demeanor of Torvalds, a noted high point of Super Bowl XXXVII was the ritualistic sacrifice of Eric Steven Raymond on a funeral pyre during the half-time show which also featured the Bloodhound Gang singing a 45 minute version of "Fire Water Burn." Several hundred were hospitalized from the noxious fumes, but the general consensus of the capacity crowd was that the benefits far outweighed the costs. One spectator had this to say: "That'll teach him to try to sneak stuff into the Torvalds playbook!" A usually outspoken Torvalds could only muster a few tears and a fiendish grin to mark the occasion.

Fans around the world were jubilant about adding another victory to Torvalds unprecedented winning streak, prompting Torvalds to say, "Who the [expletive deleted] is Cowboy Neal? Get a life, will you, people?! I mean, for crying out loud, it's just an operating system!" Mysterious words from a mysterious man.

An LBC article. Written by Stephen K. Hess, with additional writing credits to Max Planck.

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With apologies to Reuters, William Shatner, and the Bloodhound Gang. Screw you, ESR and Cracker Barrel.