01/11/2002 Update: i know the word is getting around at lockheed about this page so in order to protect myself from slander and libel lawsuits, i'm taking out all identifying features such as his name and where he went to school. of course, if you're here, you either work at lockheed and already know who he is or you don't and the name is arbitrary. somehow this page is the most popular on my entire site, even beating out pussy pictures despite the search engine hits it must generate.
I started working at the Lockheed Martin [location undisclosed] sector a couple of years ago.
While awaiting my government security clearance, I hung out with a group of
recent college grads who were also awaiting their clearances. One gentleman,
by the name of [name removed to prevent lawsuit], would tell us of his life experiences but after a few weeks we
noticed that his stories were getting more and more factually outrageous. We
eventually figured out that this guy has some mental problems. So with the help of my peeps still on the inside, I'm taking note to record every lie this guy has told. This is no
small undertaking. Nobody really likes this guy, so we ignore him, but we have
caught him lying on several occasions. If all of this were true, he would have
more life experience than everyone else I know combined.
The List (in no particular order)
- Wrote an undergrad paper on quantum computers that was so good someone offered him $300,000 for it. Apparently, the prospective buyers have a $5 million NSA research grant and are interested in his thoughts. This paper was for his masters degree which was completed whilst an undergrad. Then why is he taking masters classes at [three local highly reputable universities]? HMMM?!?!?!
- His mom was the runner-up to Christa McAuliffe for the Space Shuttle
The story went like this:
- "I was in mission control in Houston when the challenger blew up because a
teacher from my school was the runner-up"
- (Several minutes pass...) "Actually, it was my mom!"
- Thanks to my man on the street, Dave Feltenberger, the actual runner-up to Christa McAuliffe was Barbara Morgan (who is not fat lying bastard's mother)
- His dad owns three 1947 Indian motorcycles, and is changing the
transmission on one, despite its value of over $200,000.
- Built and programmed an insect-sized robot that looks and acts exactly like
- Invented Direct-TV while at [some random mid-western college]
- Did HALO (high altitude, low open) parachute jumps in the military. Not a
big deal except that he didn't open his chute until 150 feet off the ground.
Note, at this point, your body is at terminal velocity and moving at 176 feet per second.
- Claimed he was in the Army for four years, full-time, during college
- Claimed he was in the Army reserves during college, but is no longer. When
asked how he got out of his contract, he gave these reasons on different days:
- Repaid his loan to the Army to get out early
- Honorably discharged for a job well done
- Dishonorably discharged for refusing a direct order to lie
- Was working for the military during the Gulf War examining satellite
photography. He was 12 or 13 at the time of the war. I didn't realize
scouts were that high in the line of defense.
- Programmed ICBM's (inter-continental ballistic missles) at [some random mid-western college]
because the goverment didn't trust defense contractors.
- Has varying amounts of RedHat Linux stock.
- First, he bought it 500 shares for half price a month before it was
released. He would have to have been high in open source development
ladder for this to happen, yet i haven't seen his name on any open source
- Then, he later claimed to have 1000 shares.
- Finally, he claimed to have $500 worth.
- LIES ABOUT HIS HOURS WORKED AT LOCKHEED!!! This is a serious
government offense, since, well, you're stealing from the goverment. Senior
Lockheed officials: Please Fire Him!!!
- Fixed a particle accelerator all by himself while a junior in college
- Claimed to be a senior member of MENSA (there is no junior/senior level
distinction), but his dad didn't want to keep paying the $150 per year dues
(which is not even the correct price). Then, several months later, claimed he
was never in MENSA but was considering joining, because he was "more than
- Went to 6 out of the 7 continents with his boy scout troop. I know of
NO boy scout troops that have that much money or time.
Each time he tells the story, the continents visited changes:
- First telling: all but Africa
- Second telling: he made it to all 7 but the rest of the troop missed Australia
The Eagle Scout story:
- Has his Eagle Scout award
- Asked about his service project, claimed he didn't have to do one (this is
BULLSHIT!! NO ONE gets their Eagle Scout award w/o doing a service project)
- Later claimed he didn't have to do one because he was extremely close to
his 18th birthday (again, BULLSHIT!!! I handed in my Eagle Scout paperwork
two days before my 18th birthday. Otherwise, I wouldn't have gotten the award)
- We called him on it and he claimed he almost got the award
- Claims he can run 5 6-minute miles in a row. Note that he weighs at
LEAST 275 pounds, and is NOT muscle.
- Claims he has a black belt in karate. Remember, he weighs at least 275
pounds. In the last championship he was in, the guy he defeated threw himself
off a 27 story building from the humiliation. I have to admit that it would be
pretty embarassing to be beaten by a 275 pound slab of ham.
- Bought a [mid-size SUV] for $4,000 below MSRP. I'm sure that car company didn't
mind losing $4,000. Bought it because it handles better than a BMW M3.
- Takes his [mid-size SUV] off-roading despite having 5 inches of ground
- Invented a ternary computer (3 bits: 0, 1, and 2) complete with RAM, HD,
- Owns an IDE ribbon cable maker. Why anyone would buy one of these is
beyond me. I've had computers for 11 years and never had one IDE cable go bad,
let alone enough to necessitate buying an actual cable maker.
- Has deer wandering thru his house in [some east coast state] despite living near a major
- Was offered jobs at the CIA, FBI, and NSA, but took the job at
Lockheed-Martin for some reason. The FBI doesn't offer you a job unless you
have at least three years of professional experience.
- Recently awarded a scholarship to intern under Stephen Hawking.
Interesting because he majored in Electrical Engineering, but Stephen
Hawking teaches Theoretical Physics.
- Had a security clearance in college known as "Ultra 7", yet took 6 months
to get his Lockheed clearance.
- We don't even know if he graduated from [some random mid-western college]. When
asked if he graduated, he offered these excuses:
- Diploma withheld because he was being wrongly charged 6 cents for an
overdue library book
- Diploma withheld because he didn't return his network card to the
- Accepted into the [some ivy league school] doctoral program for
engineering, but later told my roommate that he hasn't even applied yet. Now
claims he's taking classes at [two highly reputable universities] for credit at [some ivy league school].
- Speaks five languages besides English, yet refuses to say anything in any of them
- can't remember other two, but will ask around
- Claimed he could buy a $150,000 townhouse for $300 per month, 15 year
mortgage, with no money down. Bank: -$80,000
- His mom has an office in the Empire State building, despite being a math
teacher in [some east coast state]. I hear she sells childrens books, too...
- Went out with a girl (a lie in itself) who couldn't understand why he didn't propose marriage to her
on the first date. He is a real catch after all...
- His sister walked onto the Olympic field hockey team. She goes to [some state university in the mid-east], which is not exactly known for it's field hockey team (i know
because i went there for two years).
- Has personally discovered ways of replacing the ozone layer.
- Can count eight decks of cards, yet consistently got his ass kicked at
hearts whilst awaiting clearance
- Can read War and Peace in three hours, or five hours with the book upside
- He was in the movie "Dead Poets Society"
- There's more to come, but this is all I can remember for now...
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