Some web sites make the mistake of answering frequently asked questions in an F.A.Q. (frequently asked questions). Silly sites. If you've been coming this site for awhile, you know to expect the unexpected from leroybrown.com. Therefore, I am instituting a new sort of FAQ, to be known as the RIEAQ: Rarely, if Ever, Asked Questions. In this ever-expanding document, I will attempt to answer thoroughly those questions that were only posed to me once or twice. Or I may answer a question that I'm sure one of my leroybrown.com minions has been dying to ask, but they just couldn't bring themselves to ask it. So, without further ado...
The leroybrown.com RIEAQ
- Who in the hell are you?
I am Stephen Hess: amateur photographer, professional bad-ass.
- Who in the hell is Leroy Brown?
Leroy Brown is my alter ego. He is also the subject of a song written by Jim Croce in 1973 named "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown".
- Why are you so cool?
I don't know, I was just born that way.
- Why don't you update your site very often?
I am very busy. Graduate school is an obscene amount of work. Most of the updates I do now are scanning in pictures and writing up the travel logs from my many road trips. See http://www.leroybrown.com/images/
- Are you a superhero?
Depends on your definition of "superhero". I am not "a figure, especially in a comic strip or cartoon, endowed with superhuman powers and usually portrayed as fighting evil or crime." I do, however, recycle a lot of aluminum cans, clean up cat shit at a fantastic rate, and work out twice a week.
- Can you talk to dead people?
No, that's just a vicious rumor.
- Is it true you tried to start a religion?
Yes, my good friend Matt Sherer and I attempted to start a religion in 1988 called Buckwheatism that had roots in the Calvin and Hobbes comic strip and the Nintendo Entertainment System. Qualification for membership consisted of displaying proficiency in a core set of Nintendo games (the list is long forgotten but probably included The Legend of Zelda and Metroid) and a set number of other Nintendo games. Members were also required to despise Fred Savage, the star of The Wonder Years, because he was not as good at Nintendo as we were. Meetings were to be held in the shed behind Matt's house.
- I visit leroybrown.com at least once per week. What is my relationship to the site?
According to the book, leroybrown.com: An Official Guide, visiting this site at least once per week labels you a minion. As per the implied leroybrown.com EULA (End-User License Agreement), this requires you to do my bidding.
- As a minister, have you ever performed a wedding ceremony?
Yes, two friends from Lockheed Martin, Dawna Morningstar and Jeffrey Brown, requested that I officiate at their wedding in August 2002. Pictures are available here.
- Is that wedding legal?
Yes. I am a minister of the Universal Life Church. Here are the marriage laws of each state: http://ulc.org/hq/marriagelaw.htm. The wedding was performed in Pennsylvania.
- Are you the real Stephen Hess? I heard there's another Stephen Hess somewhere...
Yes, I am the real Stephen Hess. This one is an impostor who is capitalizing from my good name. Should someone from the Brookings Institute visit this site, they would be in my good graces for a very long time if they would tell the impostor Stephen Hess about this site and kindly request that he change his name.
- I am the "impostor" Stephen Hess from the Brookings Institute. I would like to fight you bare-knuckled for the rights to the name "Stephen Hess". Where can I find you?
I live in Socorro, New Mexico, where I attend New Mexico Tech as a computer science graduate student. As I am handsomer, a superhero, a minister, and a computer scientist, I am obviously tougher. Should you still want to pursue this pipe dream of becoming the true Stephen Hess, I'll be in Socorro until at least the end of 2003. Bring it, bitch.
- Are you a member of the mile-high club?
No, but not for lack of trying.
- What is your favorite Mariah Carey song?
Leave now before I have you beaten.
- What is the coolest band in the entire world?
Hands down, Liquid Tension Experiment. John Petrucci is the fucking man.
- Is Pae really a crazy ass ho?
- What ladies over 40 would you sleep with if given the chance?
Kathy Ireland, Maureen McCormick, Sigourney Weaver, Renee Russo, and Annette Bening